Normally, I just share recipes. But lately we’ve just been eating the same old things and I’ve got nothing new to share. It’s kind of nice to be on cruise control in the kitchen. It frees me up to relax and think about other things. Just the other day I was in the bathroom and one of my twins was playing paddy-whack on my knees and it occurred to me that prison inmates might have more privacy than I did at that moment. Then I began to realize just how similar motherhood is to hard time.
10 Ways Being a Mom is Like Doing Hard Time
1. The sentencing: 18-20 years. With no parole, no time off for good behavior. You’re in for the long haul and just hoping for a regular trip to the yard every once in a while.
2. People watch you go to the bathroom. Prolonged eye contact while someone asks you personal questions during what should be a very private moment does something to your soul.
3. Don’t drop the soap. For those brave enough to shower with the general population there’s a real danger of being poked in the no-no with a toy boat. Many of us just sponge off in our cells.
4. You have to eat fast and guard your food. By the time you sit down with your tray, your food is cold and the inmates are eyeballing your fruit salad. Just keep your head down, eyes on your food, and get done as fast as possible. Otherwise you’ll be sharing your cornbread with a surly-looking individual to your left.
5. Anytime you’re away from the prison, you’ve got a ball and chain. You’re not escaping when you’re loaded down with a 50-pound diaper bag and a nap-deprived toddler wrapped around your leg.
6. Ratty, stained prison clothes. Should you ever try to escape, the outside world will immediately recognize your spit-up stained t-shirt and holey yoga pants or mom jeans. You won’t get far without a change of clothes.
7. Riots can break out at the drop of a hat. Can’t get Dora to load on Netflix? Be prepared to face flaming rolls of toilet paper, obscene language, and full out brawling.
8. Inmates fashion weapons out of everyday items. Barbie leg shivs are especially brutal. And a lego knuckle duster inflicts serious damage.
9. Conjugal visits are rushed and rare. There’s usually loud banging on the door before you’ve even started.
10. You learn to sleep with one eye and both ears open. Just because it’s lights out, doesn’t mean you’re safe.